MEMORANDUM
To: Bernard Ecclestone, Formula 1 boss
From: The United States of America
Re: Your latest comments about us
Date: December 16, 2011
Having seen your latest comments, we — speaking for all 50 of our states, and remind us again how many states your country has… oh, right, it doesn’t matter, but enjoy ruining the EU — would like to take a few moments to address your issues.
BACKGROUND
Firstly, in the likely event that you’ve already forgotten what you spewed forth to Al Jazeera English and David Frost, here is a reminder:
To Al Jazeera: “The US has been slow to get F1 because they want to see a profit before they start.”
To Frost (who we loved in the movie, Frost/Nixon): “Formula 1 will not be big in America. But Formula 1 will be in Russia for 2014, and in South Africa by 2013 even.”
RESPONSE
In response to your comments to Al Jazeera, perhaps if you didn’t make sure you actually were the first (and often only one) to make a profit, there wouldn’t be an issue here. And not just with us, but about every race location across the globe.
Further, it is hardly a matter of “seeing a profit before we start.” We’d just like to see something approaching commitment from you and Formula 1 that you will bring any of the effort to promote the sport here that you do in, say, Bahrain. Or Abu Dhabi. Your acting like a broke, incapable little sport is laughable. F1′s failing to gain a fan base here has everything to do with your indifference combined with debacles like the U.S. GP at Indianapolis. We know you have a difficult, if not impossible, time admitting when you’re wrong. But, you’re wrong.
Quickly, we also know that we never will get “commitment” from you. We’re fine with that. We’ve enjoyed our recent talks with Mr. Whitmarsh and Mr. di Montezemolo.
In response to your comments to Frost: Good luck making a big splash in South Africa. We assume you don’t realize this, but South Africa — which has turned into a far better country than it was when, let’s see, you last were racing there well after everyone with morals and ethics left — isn’t all of Southern Africa. It’s one country. One that is maybe twice the size of Texas, which we realize you might be confusing with all of America. While one of our bigger states, it is somewhere around 7% of the total size of … well, us. I’m sure the tens of thousands of fans there will be very enthusiastic. When rugby isn’t on.
As for Russia, well we realize it is the perfect fit for you. One can’t argue with a match made in heaven. So, enjoy your dealings there. You are the perfect pair.
CONCLUSION
We know it’s asking far too much for you to shut up. Still, shut up already.
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